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Burnout

I've been reading about burnout. I thought it was a been there done that thing for me, but maybe not.

When I moved back to the US from AUS I knew I was exhausted. So I took an ENTIRE month off work to recover, and move the family back in the house, make some minor home improvements, etc. And I went back to work. It was exciting to see everyone in the home office and have projects again and I immersed myself, as usual. Then it got hard, and I knew it was harder than it should be, so I reached out. Some awesome friends and docs helped me sort out that it was anxiety and we got that under control, and back to work.

Cue 2020... big changes for everyone and I made the most of my change by starting my own business. How amazing is life when you are working for yourself, doing what you want every day and living the life (although without a regular paycheck). Doing your own thing for me seems to be spreading yourself too thin and saying yes to all opportunities in case they turn out to the the perfect thing, FOMO at its best. A friend advised me to take some time off between the old job and the new, so I did, and took a a mini-family trip and then taught virtual school with the kids, good enough, right.

2021 was going to better, because the kids were going back to in-person school. That would make everything easier, right. We've created some awesome routines, including a morning mom/son tea/hot chocolate time that is an amazing blessing, and I've even started walking again. The Komen 3 Day is back on and now I have a goal for pushing the walks longer and faster.

And then the pain starts. And you ignore it at first because it's the weekend and family time. Finally, drag yourself to the doctor, but it's not your regular doctor so the trust isn't quite there. Take the meds and then visit another doctor who seems fancier but turns out to be a worse listener (even though my best friend warned me that docs don't usually believe the extent of women's pain). And finally its the ultrasound tech (a week after the pain starts) that really listens and helps figure out the pain. The same awesome woman that says "wait in the lobby after this while I talk to the doc and don't go anywhere." The same woman who let me know my appendix was not right and needed to come out, even though she was supposed to wait for someone else to tell me. The ER folks that didn't really believe I had appendicitis because I wasn't screaming in pain, and the 6 hours in the ER before we started getting ready for surgery.

A few days post surgery now and the pain is getting better and I am wondering, was this my body's way of telling me to STOP.

Cecilia Rose used to tell me that God and the Universe gives you messages and when you don't listen they just keep getting bigger. First, a brick falls off the house, then a few more, and finally if you don't listen the house falls down.

I thought my house fell down already all those other times, but maybe this is the real one. Still struggling to be calm and relax without the guilt but writing this is a reminder to take a break (as soon as I do a couple things).




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